Quotes

20 August 2000

Cort (regarding his high-warfare character): I can't shoot a spell!
Jeremy Franklin (regarding his high-warfare character): I know! I 'll send my troops at it!

"Jacking into the Jer Continuum... You are connected."

-Jeremy F.

Jeremy Z. (while using Gérard and Rolfe as human batteries for his spells): Really, Gérard, it's important to shave your chest and oil it to conduct the power.
Cort: I don't want to hear this! I'm a priest!

"I hear Sorcerer Jerky is quite popular!"
"Soylent Green is Amberites!"
"Oh, that village? I've eaten there!"

-Jeremy F., on the desperate measures of a starving Amber

Jeremy Z.: Sorry. Grasping at straws.
Andy: Keep grasping. I'll keep taking them away.

Glynis (describing Fiona's arrival in a war-torn Amber): She calmly looks around—
Cort: Until something comes up and licks her for flavor.

"Sorcerer jerky, not orphan jerky."

-Glynis, correcting us on what didn't happen with the many orphans from Patternfall

Glynis (continuing the orphan gag): Please sir, can I have some more?
Cort: No, but you can be some more!

(whispered) "I see Dark people."

-Andy, on Rolfe's new found paranoia

"I like Amber in June, how about you?
I like a Corwin tune, how about you?"

-Glynis, singing

Andy (as Julian is asked to make a speech at a wedding): Julian approaches the table, looks down-
Cort: Release the hounds!

Jeremy F.: Rolfe, the hairs on the back of my neck are standing up.
Cort: Let me shave them for you.
Jeremy F.: That's a spoon!

"Oh, drool, dribble, snerf, snerf."

-Cort, on the gushing bride

Lady Julietta (on her attendence with Silas): We're third cousins on his mother's side.
Cort: They're hoping for kids with three heads.

"You, with thumbs, grab those!"

-Jeremy F., on Mortimer's desire for hors d'oeuvres

Cort: You have issues with birds?
Kath: Well, birds that sit on people's shoulders and demand canapis, yes!

"Meanwhile, I have another lemon liqueur and one of those lovely blueberry things."

-Cort, while everyone else is getting into trouble

"I want you to know I created that character just to torture you."

-Glynis (regarding the Archion)

Julian (answering a trump call): Yes?
Rolfe: Rolfe.
Kath: No, Julian.

"Sea witches of Arden?"

-Julian, dubiously

Julian: That would mean I have women in Arden.
Cort: Damn, I sprayed and I sprayed!

"Yes. You didn't know about it, but there's a cult in the kelp."

-Cort

Kath (on the kelp witches): You don't want them around, but you want what they know.
Cort: Of course. This is the church. We don't need to make sense.

Cort: Do they want to go to the Paradise of the Unicorn or not?
Kath: No. There's horse shit all over the place.

Kath: So, what were you going to do? Tie them to a stake and burn them underwater?
Cort: Oh, no. We've moved far beyond that. We use magic.

"Basically he's lying in bed with me on one side and Gérard on the other."

-Cort, on the weakened Sebastian

"Otherwise I would have evacuated people instead of eating them. WHICH WE DIDN'T DO."

-Cort, on the possibility that there could have been an escape from the Dark

Cort (after Jeremy Z. sings the Star Trek combat song): You have a Vulcan mating ritual with him? We finally get Gérard out of there...
Jeremy Z.: ...and Sedgewick dives right in.

"They were, shall we say, violently discourteous."

-Rolfe, on the kelp witches

"I've never tried a three-way before, but it couldn't hurt."

-Rolfe, on opening up an additional trump connection

Jeremy Z.: So it's the bad part of Amber?
Jason: Of which Calcutta is but a shadow.

Jeremy Z. (on the prolonged disappearance of Glynis and Jeremy F.): They're making out.
Kath: You know, you're the only person I know who would have thought of it.
Jeremy Z.: What, you don't have other friends who look for innuendo in every situation?
Cort: Not as desperately...

Cort: It's like the date before the sex. It's that couple of hours of meaningless time before the good part.
Jeremy F.: Remind me never to date Cort.

"I'll try to keep them from burning you."

-Cort, a skosh meekly

Cort: God, I'm going to dump some points into magic so I know what I'm looking at.
Andy: "Hi, my name is Aaron..."

Cort: Dworkin: Fuck-buddy of the Unicorn.
Andy: "And thus he said, 'Let's get it on.'"

Jason: Tir-na Nog'th: Source of all weird prophecy.

"I might actually be in trouble. Suddenly, this isn't as boring."

-Cort, as Martin

Cort: I just racked up 1500 Church Points today.
Jeremy Z.: They really keep track.

Jeremy Z.: And Here you say your job sucks.
Andi: Yeah, I have stationary. Woo.

Cort (on trying to kill Maladin in Dreaming in the Real): I blew up his bed! I had people jump him! And he was just, "Whatever" At least acknowledge me, damn it!
Glynis: Evil is never truly appreciated.

Glynis: This is our theme song...
Cort: In our case, there should be more screaming and dying."

"Fiona, comma, Chaos-bunny."

-Cort

Cort: "Dworkin Wants My Dustpan", tonight on Fox.
Glynis: No, this was her bedroom closet.
Cort: "Dworkin Wants My Naughtywear!"

"He's 7000 years old. He probably has breasts by now."

-Cort, on Dworkin

Cort: Rolfe is looking for the dog to feed his dinner to so we can get on to the dessert.
Glynis: The dinner is actually quite good.
Cort: Yeah, but I just want the lemony stuff.

"Well, I'm not giving you any more lemony stuff."

-Cort, after Sophia's big outburst

"She was basically the waystation on the alcoholic highway."

-Cort, regarding Serenity, as she sat between Rolfe and Mallory

Cort: I'm a priest. I can talk inane pleasantries for hours.
Andi: They actually train you in that. They have classes in it.

Cort (acting drunk): I have Pattern manipulation. I can decide I'm not drunk.
Jeremy F.: You decide you're not drunk. We decide you're hammered.

Kath: Flora as a mother is just a bad idea.
Andi: "Hi, I'm Aaron..."

Flora: Sedgewick? Wine?
Glynis: She goes back to ignoring you.

"Primal Order goes with anything sweet."

-Cort

Flora: Sebastian, will you escort me, please.
Sebastian: You sure you don't need me to fight a duel of honor?

Caine (to Rolfe, after a few too many): I usually think you church fags are stuck up, but you're all right.

Rolfe: I can't kill him. Flora will not like me killing the dinner help.
Caine: She hates that. I know from experience. It was some holiday, though.

"Actually, it's not his favorite thing. But they don't know about that."

-Cort on Rolfe and slaughtering Chaosians

Cort (on Rolfe being sent out in shadow, drunk, to kill Chaosians): I killed everyone in the 7-Eleven.
Jeremy F.: The burritos smelled like Chaos.

Cort: I know exactly what my endurance is and I know what condition I'm in.
Andi: Caine is pretty happy, too.
Cort: His endurance sucks too?

Andi (on Caine): He is a pirate...
Cort: Don't go there.

"You've never gotten drunk and called someone long distance?"

-Jason, on Sebastian and Sedgewick trumping Random

"Have fun storming the sky castle."

-Random

"The switch. No one has managed the switch. Bleys spent 300 years trying to perfect it. He went shadow to shadow, changing each situation slightly, exploring every possibility. And he could not do it."

-Sebastian giving his manservant advice on changing from courting one woman to courting her sister

Cort (to Kath): I haven't seen you scream like that since my game...
Andi (to Glynis): You made Sophia do Scanner...

"If you're going to go through puberty, at least have taste."

-Cort, on Kath's daughter's obsession with Kevin Sorbo

Glynis: So, Rolfe's walking down the hall, swinging his dick...
Cort: ...lightning and Pattern energy shooting out of it.

All: How many licks does it take to get to the center of the Pattern?
Cort: One. I had dry-mouth for a week.

"I'm from the church, damn it. I don't do 'pleasant'."

-Cort

Jason: Is that the stench of Chaos?
Cort: No, that would require more turmeric.

Jolan: Is this some sort of inquisition?
Sophia: Yes.

Kath: You're mean, Andi!
Andi: Job.

"We got prophesy girls coming out of Rebma"

-Jason, on going to Tir-na Nog'th

"Everyone and his dog is talking about, 'As above, so below'..."

-Jason, later in same rant

"I need a toothbrush for my brain."

-Jason, after an unfortunate scene with Julian and Oberon in Tir-na Nog'th

Jason: Julian's just...
Cort: ...getting fucked in a number of ways.

"He doesn't care. He beat up a throne. Now he's moving on."

-Cort, on Rolfe

"Chaos wants your vote."

-Jason

"Friends don't let friends do Tir drunk."

-Jeremy F.

Kath: She had some things she wanted to make for a couple of Elders.
Glynis: Caine, for your birthday, I got you some brand new bondage gear.
Cort: I've found a new way for you to serve the Unicorn.
Andy: Don't go there.
Cort: Too late, I bought the condom.

Kath (on the lack of advancement that session): No, because everyone was busy and sick.
Glynis: And we forgot.

Glynis: Manfred asks Sebastian, "Have you ever sought through shadow for your true love?"
Sebastian: No.
Cort: I found an iguana!
Jeremy F.: It was really friendly...

"There are no car washes in the Golden Circle."

-Glynis

"If you guys have an inquest without me, I'll be upset."

-Jason (?)

Mallory: Do you think this is the wisest course of action? Go to Arden?
Bleys: No.

"I will write in his log that he's okay with women. He just doesn't understand their function."

-Cort

"Amber can be united by soccer!"

-Andi

Rolfe (wearing a towel, while Sophia has trumped him to request an escort through Arden): When would you like to leave?
Sophia: I'm on the outskirts of Arden now.
(But really, she's not impetuous.)

Rolfe: Before we become embroiled in a fight, do you know what we're up against?
Andi (as Sophia): No...

Bleys: So we've got wood witches and kelp witches?
Rolfe: They apparently come in sets.
Bleys: Let me know when they put out the coins.

"She knows good from evil, why not north from south?"

-Jeremy F.

Cort: I am sustained by the warmth of the Unicorn.
Andi: You nuzzle closer to your horse, and you feel better.
Glynis: You know, Dworkin said something like that.

"Okay, so my nipples are erect. Now what?"

-Cort

"Yeah. It's pretty bad when you're trying to scare people and they just make bathroom jokes."

-Cort

"If you bed Fiona before I bed Caine, I'll be upset."

-Cort

"Lady Sophia, there are dwarves here to see you."

-Louisa

"I may be misogynistic, but I'm not stupid."

-Cort, regarding Rolfe

"No wonder that didn't work. I was using Chaosian fighting tactics against a Chaosian."

-Cort

"Getting distance might involve having your seconds shoot arrows at him."

-Jason, regarding Mallory's duel with Julian

"I guess he won't be participating in the evening's festivities."

-Bleys, regarding Julian getting hit in the jimmy

Andi: People are saying this is the best tourny since Bleys won and asked Oberon for his pants for his boon. In front of everyone.
Jason: So what? Everyone's seen it.

"Hey Mallory! Found a port in the storm?"

-Rolfe, to Mallory, as Mallory is standing next to Serenity

"Mallory has proven that casual sex is evil."

-Glynis

"You certainly are active, Ms. I'm-an-introvert."

-Andi

"Why say it in flowers when you can say it in stone?"

-Andi

"You don't live in a house. You live in the Danger Room."

-Andi, regarding Sedgewick's abode

Jeremy Z.: Sedgewick doesn't have any ethics.
Kath: Sophia has enough to go around.
Glynis: Sedgewick loaned her his and she never gave them back.

"This is a big round room."

-Jason, stating the obvious

Sebastian (regarding the Decanter of Souls): This was owned by Oberon.
Sophia (drunk): Yeah!

"Meanwhile, back to Amber: The Animal House Years."

-Glynis

"At the first sound of banjos we're turning around."

-Jason

"I'm coming off a rather bad speed high. I'm about to pass out, and I don't want to do it in a pile of dead foot-long maggots."

-Sedgewick

"Sorry to hear about your place. There was an etching."

-Sebastian

"She is polite on occasion."

-Kath, regarding Sophia (I think)

"Dworkin makes better sense, you're right."

-Flora

"I'm not a Dewy Decimal System! I own the Pattern!"

-Dworkin

"I always enjoy this card, not because it's good, but because it's not."

-Kath, on her tarot reading

"I bet if you act now you could take him out."

-Jason, to Kath, regarding the archbishop

Kath: I want to do trump ID right now, but I don't have it.
Jason: Only $8 more per month.

Jeremy Z.: Yeah, you don't want to say the word "summoning" within 50 feet of the archbishop.
Jason: You don't want to say "Sedgewick" within 50 feet of him...

"She looks fine. She just looks like she's bleeding from her mouth and chest."

-Glynis, quite matter-of-factly

Glynis (regarding a ghost's reaction to Sedgewick): It's feminine and utterly unconcerned with you.
Jason: Well, that's normal.

"Dworkin's out there. 'Looking for trouble? Try the pop-o-matic bubble! I got 27.' 'You can't get 27...'"

-Andi

"It was a glancing blow with the ugly stick."

-Andi, regarding Sophia

Glynis: Fiona says, "Sophia, get down!" and you hear this whistling sound above you.
Jason: Damn, I know this guy!

"Hi, I'm a guy with a sword. First in Strength. Can't hit anything."

-Andi, regarding Gérard

"Everyone understands the language of alcohol."

-Andi

Jeremy Z. (as Ariel): "You keep eating the cards!"
Glynis (as Mortimer): "No I don't!" (then back to Ariel) "Yes you do. That was a Jack!"
Andi (as Mortimer): "I pecked his eyes out!"

"It's Aaron, with muscles and religious fanatacism."

-Cort, on Rolfe

"My vast cosmic power is not for roasting your weenie."

-Cort, on Sedgewick

Rolfe: So, isn't this spirit just basically a figment of your imagination?
Sedgewick: Sort of.
Rolfe: Okay...

Serenity: Can I get dressed first?
Sophia: I'm not dressed. Get your shoes on.

"I imagine if Sedgewick was a sandwich, he'd be a Rueben. Cornbeef, horseraddish... cabbage..."

-Andy

Sophia: Do you have a way to detect "Chaos Ick"?
Rolfe: My understanding is that it smells like a "Seven-Eleven Boo-ree-toe".

"I don't know. I find the buzz of Pattern relaxing."

-Rolfe

Cort: Oh, fuck, I'm just going to Pattern teleport.
Glynis: You bring Pattern to mind, and things melt away, and suddenly: you're falling.
Cort: This is bad...

"Oh, I see you have enormous chests!"

-Tivolio, helping Sophia with her luggage

"This entire shadow is an Italian whorehouse."

-Cort, on Midsummer

Bleys (to Random): This is kind of like when you got that toy stuck up your nose!
Fiona: That was my toy!

"You guys are on your own with Dworkin-raping!"

-Random