Sophia - Journal Entry 09.24

Mallory has asked for my assistance having to do with a sensitive situation concerning Rolfe, the Church of the Unicorn and the old Rebma woman who died at the reception. It seems that she was part of a community of females which serves (worships?) a deity/power which manifests itself through the ocean/water/feminine/nurturing. I guess Rolfe found out about them after some bullying of the Princess Llewella, then went to confront them. They wouldn't/couldn't answer his questions, and he was not amused. He was so little amused that he sent in a report to the Church asking for an "inquiry" into the matter. The Church responded with alacrity. So much so, even Rolfe was sent spinning.

I worry for the "Sea Witches" (as we are all calling them now). There is nothing so heart wrenching as having your cherished way of life smashed apart. The Church of the Unicorn believes that it is the one true church, and that all other beliefs are an affront to the blessed Unicorn. I did not grow up believing solely in the Unicorn ... We had the 'household' gods of Midsummer. I still have an icon of the sea god and his wife. I do not display it openly, for why invite the harassment of the church? It is not that I do not believe in the deity of the Unicorn, for I do, but I also believe that there are more aspects to any deity than just one visage.

In any case, I do not know what it was that Mallory had intended for me to do. I ended up going to Rebma to listen to the storytellers there ... to find myths and folktale concerning a feminine power, deity or archetype. I heard stories, I met a few people ... including Jehan and his grandmother (she wears a woven band with a bead, just as the old woman who appeared in the ballroom did). I have promised to run some lapidary tests on shells for Jehan, concerning poisons, and will talk with them both again when those are done. What I find amusing now, is 1) I don't have any way to return to Rebma on my own, save for walking, and 2) I have no poisons at hand! Oversights on my part. There must be an alchemist in town from whom I can get the latter, and the former will have to be accomplished by intruding upon Serenity's or Mallory's good graces.

Serenity is the daughter of Llewella. I liked both she and the Princess very much, just as I liked Rebma as a whole. I felt at home again, like I belonged. For all my isolation in Amber, mostly of my own doing, it felt ... good to be in the middle of people and not feel out of place. I felt oddly whole again. I have not felt this way since I was a child in Midsummer. I can not begin to describe the joy, the freedom, the delicious sense of fitting in which I experienced in Rebma. What an unlooked for blessing. A priceless gift.

Perhaps that is why I stepped into the middle of the fray. Serenity was the witness for the "inquiry" into the Sea Witches. The Archbishop, or whom ever he was pompous, narrow-minded, cold, prig was hardly open to new ideas. He had that "judgment rendered" countenance which makes you wonder why you even bother trying to explain and be understood. Poor Serenity! She handled herself very well under the barrage of preconceived notion and intolerance.

As for myself, I do not truly know why I did not keep silent. Perhaps I wished to return, in small measure, the debt my visit to Rebma instilled in me. Perhaps I did not wish to see others come to harm for simply being who they are. Perhaps my abhorrence of shallow thinking rose up in protest. All I know is that I opened my mouth in defense of the women, and next thing I know I am being looked at as if I am an oracle ... or a curse!

It was a problem of language, truly. Syntax. Definition. What I meant is not what they heard. When I asked them if they could recognize good and evil, I wasn't prepared for their reaction. I wasn't asking them if they had the ability to divine it, simply if they could recognize it when it came upon them. Can't everyone? Most sentient beings have a mixture, of course. No one is perfectly pure, nor perfectly evil. Intent is everything. We are all a mixture of grey ... some are lighter shades than others. But recognizing the mix, recognizing what is inherently good or evil is something I thought everyone could do. One simply knows what is and what isn't ... Feels if it is or isn't. They all looked at me as if I grew a third head for saying so! One can do bad things and stil What is so radical about this? I think what they were getting their knickers in a knot about was not that I could tell what is or isn't but that I was willing to define something as being one or the other.

All this is over the nature of good and evil, and our fear of calling it as we see it.

Do people truly live their lives not recognizing the difference in others? How could they possibly go through life not knowing? It would be like living blind. Vialle can see the difference, I am certain even she has the ability to recognize it, and she is blind.

In any case, all I wanted to do was have them experience the power in the marble of the ballroom—if they couldn't feel the difference, there would have been no point to the exercise. As it was, Rolfe was able to sense what was there. He's unwilling to call the power "good" but he's willing to say that it exhibits characteristics of things we commonly feel to be "good". I think he's begging the difference.

Oddly enough, Sedgewick said about the same thing as Rolfe. Maybe it's a male thing. I guess he went into the ballroom to check out the "energy" as well. He was so "gracious" as to tell me that I seemed to be correct in my assumption that the area had power. As if I needed his corroboration, or even cared to have it. He said too, that while these "emanations" were commonly regarded as "beneficial" or "nice", it doesn't mean the power itself is "good". Again, intent is everything. Perhaps something may not benefit the speaker personally, but it may still "good". Benefit has to do with individual perception, not of the truth of good and evil. By their standards, how could they call the Unicorn "good"? All we see is what it/she shows us ... the outward manifestations of its power. Beneath that silky white coat could be the heart of an axe murderer, by their standards.

It makes my head heart. They make everything so complicated when it doesn't have to be.

On other topics, Sedgewick's invitation to dinner wasn't just for the pleasure of my company. Surprise, surprise. He wanted something. It was to hit me up for a design and manufacture for a "bauble". A "bauble which would be so pleasing to the young ladies of the city that they would wish to always wear it." A bauble which "could be tracked and traced." A bauble "created by a Master." My main question was, why me? There are Masters a plenty in town, and most of them have large enough staffs to fill such a huge order of "baubles". While I understood the idea behind the proposal, I was rubbed the wrong way by the presentation of it ... I also do not understand the logistics involved of how he thinks he will be able to track a hundred of such items.

I don't know if Sedgewick understands that his insisting on using the term "Master" over and over was fairly annoying. I know the level of my work, and I don't need to be told that it's good. If he was seeking to flatter me by the term, he was fair and far off the mark. Likewise, there are many, many 'Master Jewelers' in Amber who would dearly love such a commission and who have time and workers enough to create such numerous bijoux they would also probably enjoy the notoriety of having their work given out to the Belles of Amber. I do not seek such notoriety. I create because I wish to create, not because I wish the money or the fame. Truth to tell, I was also highly annoyed (appalled?) by his view that life is simply a game, and if you make the correct moves you win. This renders all the women being murdered in town into nothing but pawns for his amusement and edification. What happened to finding out who has done this for the sake of the women and their families? Why does it even remotely have something to do with Sedgewick's ego as player?

It upsets me to even recall the conversation. Self-absorbed bastard.

I did tell Sedgewick that I would sketch a few designs for his perusal, and contact a few jewelry Houses in Amber who have the ability to churn out so much frou-frou. The enchanting of said frou-frou will have to come later ... and if he thinks I will do it, he is very much mistaken.

I have much to do these next few days. I'd best close for now and begin.

As a last side note, and perhaps the most bizarre event in the series of bizarre events Dworkin was in my closet! Why? I have no idea. None whatsoever ... for that matter, he seemed to have no idea either! I think Rolfe was shocked. I know I certainly was. Why in Amber would Dworkin have stumbled into my closet??!