Dalen's Journal, Part Thirteen

Sometimes closing situations are upon you, and there is no time to reflect, to worry, to dither. One simply does, or does not.

It's been several months since the final chapters of Osric's bid to destroy all of Reality. I would have detailed the events sooner, but there is a great deal of the bittersweet to them ... and I have something akin to a superstition about setting them in print. Almost if by writing it, it fixes the events in the real. Can't just pretend they were a dream, or even a nightmare.

We were victorious. Amber stands. The King and his Queen are reunited. The Kingdom is safe, secure, prosperous and moderately happy. Our enemies are vanquished, the Bright Pattern restored, the Oleai content and the plague stopped. Personally speaking, I discovered my parentage and settled a good many unsettling questions. What's not to celebrate?

I am uncertain if Aaron's bout of lunacy had anything to do with our being successful. I think, as the quirks of fate would have it, we were benefited. Certainly his newfound ability to tweak standing spells helped our side a great deal. Niro's own treachery towards Aaron didn't hurt either. Even off his rocker, you'd think that Aaron would have known better than to trust Niro. I guess that's what happens when your chief advisor is a gourd.

Aaron (now Erin) had been very busy. I'm wondering what took more effort, destroying a sun or walking the Primal Pattern? Brutally Pattern-warping monkey-boys or mending "Vialle"? What a wide range of abilities (and terrors) Erin has shown us. She says that now she's turning over a new leaf ... to cultivate life instead of death. While sincerity is in her tone, there lies within that petite female form the mind of Aaron. In hand she holds the Bright Jewel and at her feet is the restored Bright Pattern. The two, coupled with her own innate abilities, gives one a reason for great pause. We can only pray that the 'life' she is so whole-heartedly promoting is not one solely of her own envisioning. I like Erin and I have great respect for all she has tried to do, all she has done. I truly hope her sincerity is to the bone, but she's an Amberite. Blood will tell in the end. Blood certainly does tell.

Maladin keeps trying to turn in his resignation to Random, who isn't having any of it. Our dear Military Adjunct was captured by the Bright Pattern goons, and made to gain entrance to the King. Random was beaten, and the Jewel of Judgement was taken. Maladin sees this as his fault. I can understand why, though I think he's wrong to take that blame upon himself. It has to do with honor, and strength. It is hard to go beyond being used as a tool to harm someone you respect, whose life you have solemnly sworn to protect. It would be difficult to not feel dishonored/dishonorable, perhaps even shamed. It's not like Maladin had a choice. There's no shame in being a victim, only allowing yourself to remain one if opportunity presents itself for escape. He never stopped trying to get past what was done to him. Never. Even under coercion, Maladin did what he could to help his King.

Lentaro has been drunk these many months. When we saw him at Caine's memorial service he looked horrible. Gaunt, as much as Tellurians can be gaunt, and definitely carrying the fumes of long-term drinking about him. There was something about the Tellurian woman Aaron had been using as a sword-bearer that disturbed the Ambassador greatly. Between that and Caine's death (it was he who actually killed Osric, and is presumed to have died in the doing of it), I think Lentaro decided being slowly pickled was better than any other option. Again, I have to say that I understand. We each take our own paths into obscurity or obliteration.

Rhyss ... she was the only one unscathed by the final events, saved by the mere fact that her studies kept her away from the tumult. Take that for the blessing that it is.

As for myself? I'm disassociating myself from Amber for a good, long time (read for that, "she's running away"). Not that I'm going very far ... only to Helmwind, ostensibly to participate in the building the new city of the Oleai. It's no hardship living the life of a nomad. It's simple, self-contained, and perhaps more open/real than what is found at Court. Values are different, cleaner somehow. I'm learning of my mother's people ... and that's one gift no other place of self-exile can offer. I'll help the Oleai work with Amber as much as they wish me to ... I simply no longer wish to reside in Amber itself.

I'm grateful for all that King Random has done, all that he allowed us to do. His trust in us was, I hope, not too misguided. Beside my foster family, Random and Vialle represent to me all that is best in Amber, all the potential for something other than supreme self-absorption and abuse/misuse of power.

But too much has happened to want to stay. Perhaps when time has passed, when memory fades it will be different -- Memory of killing what was left of Vialle after the Bright Pattern people destroyed the goodness in her. Like Maladin, she was turned into a tool to destroy the things she most loved and honored. They twisted her into a servant of Osric, a servant of evil. She was destroying the Pattern -- walking it with the Bright Jewel in hand, and so warping, erasing, obliterating it. Had I a spell to freeze her, I would have ... but that wasn't an option so I simply threw daggers at her until she lost her balance and tumbled onto the Pattern. It rather dramatically did the rest. No matter how much I believe it needed to be done, there is a certain deep, gnawing remorse in the knowledge that I killed the Queen.

Not that anyone knows it. The only people in the Pattern room who got out alive were Aaron, Lentaro, one of the Bright Pattern goons (maybe), Galen and myself. Maladin heard about what happened after the fact. Galen has had ample opportunity to mention the incident to me or, for that matter, to Random. As he hasn't, I'm hoping it means he won't dredge it up at some later point.

It's all rather academic at this point anyway. When told, Maladin let Erin and I know of a "duplicate" Vialle in existence. She was someone Osric had created as bait if needed. The copy has Vialle's memories and experiences; she sounds and moves like Vialle. Is she not then Vialle? Aaron says no, but he also said he and Fiona are the only ones who would possibly notice the difference. Maladin also says no. I say it is Vialle. The duplicate carries her essence, and I believe has a soul. So ... I say that she is Vialle.

Erin told me the decision was mine to make, by virtue of it being my hand which obliterated the original Vialle (in theory I'd debate that, though in practice I obviously don't, guilt being what it is). And so I made the decision. Erin took Vialle away for a week to "fix some of the things the Bright Pattern people did" to her, and made her seem more "Real". Vialle was then restored to the arms of Random, and the whole Kingdom rejoiced. Random never knew what had happened to his wife and Queen ... and neither did she.

I don't often believe in perpetrating a lie, in sustaining a deceit. I do believe that the woman acting as Queen is Vialle, but we have, for the sake of Random and the Kingdom, obliterated a piece of history from all records save that of our own minds. I have taken it upon myself to decide what is best for everyone.

I am Oberon's sister after all. As I said, blood does tell.