Aaron's Journal, Part Six

I'm tempted to start this off by swearing a lot, but I don't think it would really do any good.

Thanks to my efforts, I annihilated over fifty thousand people in a few seconds. I didn't even give them a death to tell tales about, it was more just being erased. Like they were in the way and I brushed them off, like lint. Well Aaron, that's exactly what you did. I can't believe it! Why did I do such a stupid thing? You know damn well why, you didn't think and you were so goddamn sort sighted that you thought of just removing shadow would be an easier time to find the things that are real.

I thought I had higher morals than that.

Wow Aaron, you're so wrong. Maybe I never had those moral values in the first place, I just wasn't aware of it because I was never put into that kind of situation. DAMMIT! I'm such a fool. Aaron, you've always led such a protected life, never having to worry about being attacked by a shadow dweller. And now this. This is like those stupid commercials where you send away all of your money to go support a third world country. Am I really that low just to wipe out tons of people for a simple goal?

Why does it matter?

Because it means that the matters of shadow are less important to me, and the safety and well being of Amber and Pattern, things I have grown up with, are what I hold dear. I deluded myself that shadow, more importantly to smaller thins of Shadows themselves supposedly held just as much value to me.

I'm such a bastard.

Everything that happened on earth went bad. I know I should have just done it myself, maybe then I wouldn't have made such poor judgements, or maybe I would have never had the chance to complete my decisions. First of all, I dragged a group of people to a shadow where they had not a single clue where they were or what they were doing. They didn't know the language, what the technology was, hell, lights were a fun new magical thing. I felt like I was toting along a pack of Amberite Hillbillies.

Then of course I just assumed that we could just "wing it" or something to get through New York. Stupid. Len and Dalen got shot to hell, dragged to a hospital and then Len was taken to a military installation to be anal probed and examined or something. I didn't even know they had shit like that on Earth!!! I nearly got roasted by a f**King Orbital Laser from an Alien Ship! Where the hell did that come from?!?!

It wasn't too long after that when we found who had the Jewel. A ten year old child. He was able to manifest "things" to protect him from the bad people. I had to groin Indiana Jones and run from Stormtroopers.

I think it was somewhere in between the military camp and the "micro black hole" incident (as dubbed by CNN) that I realized how much the whole situation had fallen apart. It might have been where I fell asleep in the cab with Maladin.

Maladin needs a nickname or something. Just a one syllable something, like "Mal", or "Din"... "Ala"... "Laddie"? .... Ladin, Mala, Ladi...

I'm not sure, but Maladin was the one who seemed to handle the whole thing the best. He was the only one who kept on going searching for the Jewel even after everyone else fled to Amber and I fell asleep. Then again, it could just be that he was afraid how psychotic I had gotten, and the sooner everything was finished the better. I almost want to get to know him better, find out more about his life, but this is probably the worst time to try that. Some other day.

So, in the middle of New York, I ripped up a hunk of their reality to catch the thief and the Jewel, which I found out later Dalen was the real heroine of the day. I just caught a bad guy. God, that pisses me off too! I did all of that sacrifice and destruction just so I could bring back a thug to Amber, while Dalen came through to give the Jewel back to Random. If I had done all of that and succeeded in bringing back the Jewel, the destruction would have seemed to me to be "for the good of Amber", but just being wiped out like that... for one man. Well, hopefully the prisoner will bring more light on the whole Bright Pattern thing. We have two of them now, you'd think we'd get more answers.

So, the Moral of the story is? You don't know what your truths are until they are put to the test.

There's a chance to try some sort of re-creation of the people, but I think at this point I should just leave what is done and not try to undo it all. There's a theory that I've been playing around with that if I was somehow able to detect one of those viate waves coming through, I might be able to amplify it somehow with Pattern so it would just "create" the people back. It's a thought but I'm know where that road is heading. I'm assuming that it would turn out something similar to what the people who live in those waves experienced before. I can't even imagine. It would be like a smaller version. That's why I'm going to hang onto this theory for the protection of Amber, if it ever comes to that. Possibly come up with some sort of "death defense"? Gee Aaron, I thought your genocide days were over? Morbidity on the brain, I guess.

At this point, I'm going to stay in Shadow Earth and repair it, try to bring back as much of it as I can with all of my power.

Give myself a chance to cover up the days with the fog of time.

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