Aaron's Journal, Part Five

It's a little difficult for me to write this journal entry... My hands shake a little, but it's mostly the sense of fear that churns in my stomach that makes it the worst.

I almost died yesterday.

It wasn't anything I was expecting. Of course, I figure that's always the case - you can really never be prepared for exactly what way you're going to die.

It started off as a stupid mistake. And I knew it was a stupid mistake as well. I had recieved a note from someone I didn't know, offering me information I really didn't care about, and wanted to meet me in a place I had never seen or been in. I thought I could take care of myself. Hah.

I was incredibally impressed with the man that was mindfucking me. He was as powerful as I was, but he didn't have as much skill. He tried to make me forget that I had ever walked the Pattern, which was an intersting tactic. If I had never walked the Pattern, I wouldn't have any of my abilities, in theory. I was thinking to myself at the time to try just remembering one of the other times I had walked it and just work form there, but later on I realized what his real intentions were with that action. He was preparing me for the Fire Pattern. Which I must admit, I believe I was wrong with my original theories. That monstrosity is now Pattern - it is the work of some darker, twisted mind.

I woke up later to who I found out was Osric. (By the way Fiona, that's another time you've diverted me from my questions. I'm going to have to get back at you now.)

I found out how their Dark Pattern worked. It only responds to the dead. They make people walk it, and then they become mindless zombies under its control. Or whoever is running the darned thing. They sliced my throat right before I stepped onto it.


I don't remeber much after that point. I remember things getting darker, and all of my senses becoming muted and barely at the edges of my perception. I just remeber walking. And the Pattern, The Real Pattern, revived me and helped me get to the center. I simply went home at that point.

After that the frustration and anger took over for me. I yelled the roof down, and bitched at Random about what was going on, and then left to go inform Fiona. I mostly went to her because I wanted to feel safe. DON'T ask me why... At the point that I had seen her I had been up for almsot two days, and the blood from my throat had well dried into my shirt. She told me to sleep on the cot.

It was about then in the quiet of my solitude that the facts of the events had hit me. I didn't want to sleep out of a combination of fear and anger at what was out there, trying to destroy everything I held dear to me. Amber, the Pattern, my Home... and the fact I had nearly lost my life scared me. I've put myself into dangerous situations before, but I had always been in control of it. Walking the Pattern, the Experiemtns I do - I don't mind that I nearly kill myself because of my actions. Because they are MY actions. Those people wanted to Kill me and use me for whatever terrible plans they have. It makes me re-evaluate what I should do about the arising situaions we have.

I believe that there only a few ways I can deal with the Fire Pattern. Either destroy it, or fix it.

Fixing it may be the wrong answer - Destroying it will have detrimental effects on the rest of Shadow or something, I'm sure of that. Damn, what the hell an I going to do?

Wait, and then there was this morning. Blessed Unicorn...

Dalen.

She had been mindfucked to believe that her dead mother had come back as a ghost to do - who the hell knows. She practically tried to Whitewash the Amber Pattern with her own blood.

I was so furious. She tried to evade me, but I forced myself through the Trump connection with Maladin. I asked her (about as politely as I could, given the last day or so) what had happened. She wouldn't give me an answer. So I yelled at her.

A small part of me dosen't feel bad in the slightest for yelling at her. That's what sickens me.

A lone time ago - god, I must have been 6 or 8 - I had gotten in some serious trouble with one of mother's "friends" she had over. It was one of the men she had in her life that actually stuck around for a while - I think he was actually someone of importance, possibly a Circle realm, but I don't remeber who he was now. I remember he had hidden something in the broom closet in mother's Manhattan home, and I had noticed him doing this stealthy act. So, later on, I snuck downstairs and had a look myself. Well, it was on a high shelf, and .. I managed to have it topple right onto my head. It shatterd on the floor, right after it used my head as a jumping board. I guess it would have been a nice present for Mother if it hadn't been so fragile.

He hollered at me - I still can't get over how loud he was. His voice boomed throughout the entire house. I was frozen in front of the closet as he screamed at me about how terrible I was for destroying his gift to her. He ordered me to go into the broom closet and he then pushed all of the shattered bits into the closet with me and slammed the door on me. I tried to get out, but he had wedged the door shut. At that point I had assumed he was going to wait for mother to get home, so that I could be scolded by her as well.

I hated the darkness. I didn't scream or anything - I just sat in the darkness and cried. I knew that if I tried to call out, he may just find a reason to keep me in there forever. The only think that kept going through my mind was him yelling at me, telling me how terrible I was.

It ended worse. Hours later, mother got me out of there pissed off at him because he had the audacity to lock her precious child in a closet. She kicked him out that evening, never wanting to see him ever again. The last thing he did when he left was to look back at me and smirk - as if supposedly his entire goal was to traumatize me. It makes me sick that in some way I'm like him - that I would get off on intimidating someone.

They will strike at the Primal Pattern next, and it will then be all over. I wish I knew how to stop them.






I just found out from my mother that she's lost the Jewel. Figures. Well, so much for Dalen's plan - it will have to wait. I pray that events in the future will give us an answer to our problems. I hope things stay hectic enough that I won't dream. I don't want to dream about what's been happening. I just want to lie in darkness, and feel safe. Safe.

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