The Drunkard's Tale

A Story Told in an Unnamed Tavern, Part 3

Eh? What? Oh, story. Right. So, we did a whole lot of reading. Everyone else was reading about powers and history and some place called Amber. I was mainly reading about some crazy woman who had her dog watch her baby. Sounded like something my Uncle John would do.

It was found by folks other than meself that we needed some ancient artifacts. It was figured that some of us already had some of these items and that my mother's old pair of fancy scissors might be such a thing, just as the monitor's scrying crystal was.

So we headed out, intending to somehow make it to somehow get to Amber by way of Vesper. Since Peter was from Vesper, we figured he'd be the best one to get us there.

During our stay at the library I also learned that coffee can't take the place of sleep, so I ended up spending a big portion of our first day sleeping in the saddle. When we stopped for lunch I tried to experiment with my scissors. I tried asking it questions and got what seemed like a reply. So I got meself an idea. I got some string from Monitor Syrone, but real careful like because I didn't think she liked me. She snapped at me about me suggesting she learned wayfinding and sex secrets from that Zandrine lady. But she gave me string.

So then when we made camp that night, I tried hanging the scissors from the string and asked it questions like, "Where's Monitor Meridian?" Sure enough, it would point to anything I asked about. When I asked about Amber, it didn't have no answers. But when I asked about Vesper it pointed back towards Brother Peter.

So, satisfied I'd figured out my scissors, I headed back to camp, set my wards and went to sleep. In the middle of the night Sil Rana set off my ward. As though he'd left the camp or summat. He was acting all queer like, but I didn't have any idea what he was up to, so I went back to sleep.

The next day we were attacked by some changed critters. Summat like the animals I saw all changed near the borderlands in Parad. I thought perhaps because it had something to do with Brother Peter using strange powers to get us to Vesper quick-like, but then I realized that it was just 'cause we were near the borderlands of Adzgar.

After that we made it to the beach, and I reckon I ain't never seen so much water. I seen some big lakes, but the water there just went farther than you could see in all directions. It tasted a bit queer, though, when I took a drink. Didn't know what to make of that. Guess that's why they say sailors are salty or summat.

So, we followed the beach for a while and came to a village. We were still in Adzgar, but some of the others figured we could get a boat here. So while they went off and did their business I got me some sort of fish-steak and all the beer I could drink. Which was a fair amount. It was a good thing I'd made some money at the Glade. As people came in I decided to get a bit of brawling going. I'd been wanting a good tussle since I showed up at the Glade, but this was the first chance I'd had.

I was in the middle of being thrown through the windows when the Monitor showed up. He went in for a beer, I think, but when I climbed back into the swinging and kicking he was there with me. Ended up being just me and him with the dust settled. He had a deuce of a shiner, and we had a beer. Knew there was some good in that Monitor.

We met the rest of our band up at a nicer inn where we had rooms and everything thanks to Lord Moneypurse. We passed a right angry Syrone heading out, and met a right angry Sil Rana inside. I reckoned it was something the prat ranger had done. I gathered that they had a ships captain coming and they were going to talk him about getting passage to Vesper somehow. Normally y'can't get there without a wayfinder or going through the Glade, but they seemed to think they could do it. I reckoned Peter was somehow involved in it.

I headed up to get a little cleaned up. I wanted to look respectable-like for this captain. But I think Laurent bribed the woman in the baths to torture me. I came out with all pink and squishy when that wench was through with me.

The captain was gone by the time I made my way back downstairs, so I went for a walk. I thought I might find Syrone, as she was in a huff and hadn't come back. No sign of her, but apparently everyone in town had heard that strangers had brought some sort of plague. Knowing how rumors get about, I thought maybe the news about the Glade had reached here. I told the Monitor about it, and he went out to deal with it. I got me some shuteye.

Next morning, Syrone ain't back and the group is all concerned. The monitor could see her with his glass, but with summat called the tide about to leave, which had to do with the ship, we only had a couple hours before we had to leave. I offered to go find Syrone if we had a couple days, but Meridian wouldn't have none of it. He could see her with his glass, and reckoned her to be at least a day away and she was only getting farther away.

So, I tried to work up a little magic doing that whole symbol magic. Borrowing her diary from her room, I tried to make a contact with her. Kinda like I'd do with a deer I was hunting. I could get a sense of her, but couldn't communicate like I was hoping. But then, I'd never done this with a person before.

I was alone when I started this, but then all of a sudden I felt Meridian's mind in me head with me. He gave me a big push and I suddenly saw her and knew all sorts of things going on in her head. There was even some weird alien bits that I didn't understand.

But the biggest thing I learned about was how she fiddled with her bits. Or, as Monitor Meridian puts it: how she masticates. See, I, like all you lads, figured that whatever it was that made a woman all squeally was deep down inside her cunt. But no, lads, it's much simpler than that. There's a little nub o' meat at the top of her fuckhole called the klimmerist. That's what does it. Woman wants to have a little alone time, she just gives that a rub.

What? What do you mean that's bullshit? Jim, all your kids look like the fucking blacksmith. How the fuck would you know what your wife's cunt looks like. Stop getting me away from my story!

So, Meridian talked to her through my brain and they had a talk. I was right and that prat ranger Sil Rana had gotten her all riled up. Meridian got her to hurry back if she could, and we got ready to leave.

I'd never been on a boat before, and there wasn't much for me to do 'cept check out the mams and gams on the captain. She was quite a dish. Had some nice boots too. Just as we were leaving the dock, Syrone comes running up and jumps on the ship, and then we were off.

Now, I reckon it's time for me to squeeze off a steamer. I'll go on with the story soon as I'm done with my business.